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An Unlived Life

by Andrea Spacek

 Carl Jung is one of my most treasured guides.  His work has influenced many of the great teachers that I have studied under, and whose books I’ve read. I live in a reality in which every corner now remains untouched by the imprint of his work.


Of all his incredibly thought-provoking quotes, there is one that changed the trajectory of my life:


"Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on their environment and especially on their children than the unlived life of the parent.”


Growing up, I watched my parents struggle. They struggled to make ends meet financially, struggled to give their 4 toddlers the attention that they needed. They struggled to make time for rest or joy or connection because they were so focused on surviving.


I remember my small magical little eyes watching quietly, so sad that they couldn’t see how beautiful is all was. The trees, the birds, the music, the joy that wanted to burst open from within the vortex of tension that pulsed through the house…their daughter, who desperately wanted to be seen.  All I wanted was for them to find their happy.  Maybe so I wouldn’t feel so bad about finding mine.


Out of my perception of their misery, I made a vow that my life would be one of joy, of beauty, a celebration of life.


And it seemed that I had found that with my husband – talk about a human full of joy! Always happy, always smiling, always ready for an adventure.  And then Wyatt came and blew the lid off of that joy.  ‘I really did it’, I thought so many times.  I created a new story – my happy family.


But inside, I wasn’t really happy, I was slowly shrinking to fit within the walls of this happy-looking life. A life that didn’t really feel like mine any more.


I felt like a ghost of myself.  Like I was wandering around in a movie set, that I constructed, but who was directing it?


While it looked like I had changed the story around, I realized that it just was a different exterior to the same story that I was here to heal. I realized, that like my mother and father, I had an unlived life inside of me, and it was slowing crushing my spirit to deny it. 


This is ultimately what gave me the strength and inner resolve to finally make the decision to move out, and move toward that life.  The most painful decision of my life. 


Every day, I have moments of “Could I have made it work? What if I tried just a little harder?” But, then I remember all the years of doing the work, of trying, or banging my fists against the wall of indifference from my partner, and I remember the vow that I made to myself and my children. 


I remember Jung’s words, and I feel their truth reverberate within my being. 


And I know, a more beautiful, honorable, soulful, truly joyful world awaits me, awaits my ex, awaits my children, and, on a quantum level, awaits us all. 

Do you have an unlived life inside of you? It's time to start living it.


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